Reasons to Be Cheerful pt. 4

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I've kept my mouth firmly closed on the subject for the last few weeks. I've had enough. The weather is fucking shit and it is pissing me off.

Last May I was up north at Watercolour Music with the Bar Room Mountaineers recording what was to become 'File Under Fiction'. We were taking breaks between sessions to go swimming in the River Scaddle.

In contrast this May has been spent hiding in the flat from nuclear winds, horizontal rain and hailstones. Hailstones are pointless, a half arsed waste of a good weather front. At least if it snowed properly we could either a) get a day off or b) go skiing.

"I don't like to moan but..." and that's how it always starts. Surely one is not moaning if one provides a solution to the problem? So let me creep from the negative into the locality of the positive via a pointless anecdote.

Landie in a normal Scottish Summer

I'm in the back of a Land Rover that smells of dog and damp climbing equipment somewhere on Kinveachy Estate at around midday on August (The Glorious) 12th 1997. Eight of us and three stinking black Labs are crammed into the rear compartment of a long wheel base Land Rover Defender waiting for the weather to clear. We had done two drives before lunch and animal rights activists will be pleased to hear that the guns had only managed to transform five wonders of nature into exploding balls of feathers, buckshot and blood.

We were going to squeeze another grouse-murdering drive in before lunch. I had already been struck in the face by an overzealous keeper trying to separate the dogs who had begun fighting in the crammed compartment. In his defence it was an accident. He was trying to separate his expensive, and in season, Lab bitch from three horny males using a five foot long metal shepherd's crook. Flailing this around in in the tightly packed compartment had only made things worse as some of the more stoic of the beaters were beginning to grumble under their breath.

The blow to the face came as a welcome reprise from the aggressive leg humping, savage barking and baring of teeth that had been going on since the eight beaters, three dogs and horny bitch had been pushed into the Landie for shelter twenty minutes ago.  My feet are wet and beginning the blister, condensation from the roof is dripping down the back of neck of my soaked through clothes but worse, so much worse, one of the less stoic beaters had cracked and begun openly moaning.

Two Labradors 'fighting'

Things were bad enough and this inarticulate twat felt that he not only needed to vocalise but also to share his feelings. His voice, whiny and unwelcome at the best of times, filled the space like over ripe blue cheese. We waited till he finished, eyes firmly focused on the ground teeth gritted. No one spoke. Someone shrugged. The uncomfortable and over long silence, underscored by the rain beating the side of the Landie and the panting Labs, was broken by one of the older keepers. Till this point his only words had been a half grunt half "get in" when he'd picked us up in the square at eight that morning. He twisted round in the front seat, facing his foulsmelling flock through the steamed glass partition. "I'll give you some advice son. No one likes a moaner. It's eight miles to Carrbridge and further to Grantown. Do you like walking son?" He didn't wait for an answer "Shut the fuck up then." He slammed the glass partition closed.

Here's a few things I keep at the front of my mind to distract me from the weather. Here are a few reasons to be cheerful including the song that inspired this idea.

1) It's good to be alive! Check out St Andrew and the Woolen Mill's album The Word on the Pavey.

2) This summer is going to be amazing. It will be sunny all day but will rain around three in the morning for about one hour to keep the place looking green. On all beaches around Scotland there will be a constant gentle offshore breeze and a decent swell, at least big enough for longboarding.

3) There is an SNP majority in the Scottish Parliament. Don't let the little blue bits down the bottom bother you. Think of it as the bad shit settling at the bottom of good bottle of wine. I loved this article by Leslie Riddoch for The Grauniad... Who Are You Calling Dour?

Hardcore: Winter Surfer in Scotland

4) There are plenty of things to do in Scotland that don't require good weather. I'm referring to surfing, kite surfing, wind surfing, kayaking, canoeing and things where you're soaking wet anyway.





 5) There are loads of great music festivals coming up. I refer you back to point two. I'd recommend you head along to these two... not just because I'm going to be there with The Bar Room Mountaineers but because everyone's been telling me how great they are.

The Insider

Belladrum 2011 The Tartan Heart





6) It's not really on message but I often use this gem to cheer myself up. We invented whisky. We, Scotland, invented it... and it's amazing. NB. I expect some comments on this one because I think as a nation we invented some other important things but this is the one that makes me smile the most. Just one more time folks... We invented whisky.

7) I'm not sitting in here any longer. I'm putting on my waterproofs, scarf, wool hat and a pair of stout waterproof boots and I'm going outside to enjoy the shitty weather. If you're staying in read Leslie's article listen to this video and put your shoes on... and no one likes a moaner.