Half Marathon Training: 2nd Fast Session

This is fast (excuse the pun) becoming the worst part of the training. It basically involves me running like fuck round Alexandra park trying to avoid spewing or shitting myself.

Here's the charts.

I was stretching at 10 minutes and tying my shoelaces at 13... honest.

To add insult to injury I followed that run by attempting my press ups for the day. Reset the program to day one and at four press ups. More on this over the next few days.

Gym induction today which was just like all gym inductions. Getting patronised by a spotty youth who is clearly fitter than me but can't bear to let me leave the building without prooving it. A gym induction should go like this...

SPOTTY YOUTH: Do you know how to use all the stuff in the gym.
ME: Yes. This is my fifth gym induction.
SPOTTY YOUTH: Goodbye.

You'll notice in this version there are no parting shots like "Come again" or "Have you considered Spin classes" What actually happens is...

SPOTTY YOUTH: Do you know how to use the equipment. Don't answer fatty. I'm going to show you anyway. What do you work as?

ME: I photocopy rats for Glasgow City Council. It keeps me and the rats busy.

SPOTTY YOUTH: [on automatic pilot ignoring reply] Oh how exciting. Is that why you're fat? Don't answer. Use this machine. Smile you fat fuck. Let me show you how it's done properly. You'll never be like me. Does it hurt? I hope so you fat fuck. I hope so.

ME: I'm fine. It's just that I've run here from a meeting and haven't had a chance to warm up. [but wanting to say. 'What with the explosion of rats in the city centre these days I'm tired out from photocopying them for the council']

[Insert montage of me using every resistance and weight machine in the gym to the soundtrack of a choir wailing and cows being slaughtered]

SPOTTY YOUTH: We'll you lazy fat fuck that's the end of your gym induction. If you really want to loose weight become anorexic, get marooned on a desert island or get a gastric band. Don't ever come in here again. Have you considered a Spin class?

ME: No. I couldn't think of anything worse except perhaps a lifetime of gym inductions followed by interval sessions.

SPOTTY YOUTH: In the same way females must consider Zumba you are male and therefore must consider Spin. It has flashing lights and loud techno music and a man shouting at you. It is like the bridge scene from Apocalypse Now but with loud modern music and exercise bikes. You will taste the fear, sweat and mud. Come back and use the gym anytime you like but within the designated hours and not when there are people here who make you feel inadequate you fat fuck.

ME: Cheerio. Thanks for your help. [I will come back when there is nowhere in Glasgow left to exercise... so that'll be November unless it snows heavily in October this year]

SPOTTY YOUTH: No problem. Could you fill out this customer satisfaction survey. It allows us to measure the levels of awareness in all customers especially in these two key areas (1) Customers know less about fitness than us (2) Customers will never ever be as fit as us.