A Word on Football

An over excited fan.

Football or soccer is "a form of football played by two teams of eleven players with a round ball which may not be handled during play except by the goalkeepers.  Also called football and Association football. The object of the game is to score goals, by kicking or heading the ball into the opponents' goal. The game originated in England, and is played according to rules established by the Football Association, which has organized the major English knockout competition, the FA Cup, since 1872." 


So is everyone clear?

Thursday night was the second time in over seventeen years I have played football. It should be pointed out that there were too many boys in my final year at school and four of us were 'volunteered' into the girls netball team. This may at first sound like an emasculating experience from which a man may never recover. Let me put it in a different light. There now follows descriptions of the two games.

Grantown Grammar School Football:

Football: GGS style.

At our school the beautiful game was essentially a barely disguised fight in the rain with a ball that tore from one end of the mud soaked pitch to the other. Regardless of what team you were on you would be berated by your classmates for touching the ball, going near the ball or looking at the ball. Generally it was safer to lurk near the back and run away if the ball came anywhere near you. The complex idea of playing as a team had been forsaken for the far easier method of giving the ball to the best player and he would attempt to score single handedly by bullying, clawing, fighting and swearing his towards the opposition goal mouth. The introduction of rugby at our school was simply adding a different shaped ball to a game everyone was already very, very good at.

My brother remembers his first foray into a game of GGS football was running onto the pitch and catching the ball with his face. The ball, moving like a space shuttle re-entering earths atmosphere, hit him so hard that he can still remember the DOOIIING sound as it rearranged his features and knocked him to the ground.

Grantown Grammar School Netball:
Netball involved hanging out with the girls. I was never ever picked last. Imagine that, take a moment to digest this. Never picked last! The next point is really the clincher, especially if you are a teenage boy. The girls are wearing their PE kit and have breasts. Take a further moment to digest this. Now which game would you rather be playing?

Back to Thursday night and the hallowed turf of the Lucozade Power Leauge. Power League? What a lot of macho bullshit. It's literally a bunch of unfit guys running around the inside of cages hopelessly chasing after a ball. I digress.

So Thursday night and the hallowed astro-turf of the Lucozade Power League. I'd like to share a couple of new tips and tricks I've learned about football this week.

I carry this diagram in my pocket to 'help'. I don't know why.

1) Defence (or attack I'm not sure... probably defense) Run at the opposition player holding the ball as fast as you can. The chances are they will panic and either (a) run away or (b) pass the ball without thinking about it.

2) Although I am a terrible football player I am a far worse goal keeper. Two minutes squatting in front of that net left nothing but a noxious smell (I'll come back to this) and the other team three goals up. I let in more goals in two minutes than the rest of the team in half an hour.

4) When someone shouts 'Man On' that does not mean jump on their shoulders.

3) Eat at least two hours before the game and try to avoid a rich lentil curry. Chemical attack is not permitted in the rules of a game of five a side. There is also a very real danger of being sick and/or shitting yourself.

5) When someone shouts 'Goal Side' that does not mean run to the left side of the goal. It also doesn't mean run to the right side of the goal. It doesn't mean stand in front of the goal so someone please fucking tell me what it means and stop shouting.

6) You do not require a pen when marking. I asked.

7) The major difference between playing 5 a Side with a bunch of grown ups is that they:
(a) attempt to play as a team
(b) don't threaten to kick your head in every time you make a mistake
(c) accept that it's just a kick about and the fate world doesn't hinge on the winning of a little game of football played by a bunch of unfit over grown children in a cage. There are also ample opportunities for half time smokes, beers and pies.

8) You will have a pre-conceived idea of how sore you will feel after a game. For a more realistic view take your original figure and treble it then punch yourself in the shins.

For more information on the beautiful game I can highly recommend this inspiring textbook on the subject,  'Unseen Academicals' by Terry Pratchett. It containsp pretty much all the information you'll need including the closest description of 'Grantown Rules' football I have ever read.